It's never easy making a difficult decision. It's only hard and there is no way around that. Six years ago we had the idea of creating an efficiency apartment for grandma and grandpa behind our house in the barn. It was a win win for everyone and we jumped into it wholeheartedly with sureness and joy. Sadly, only grandma moved in because grandpa died just 3 days before the move-in date.
For four years now we have taken good care of grandma. Between our caregivers and Aunt Sandy and me, we did a pretty good job of it. Grandma was happy. And yes, the first two years were good ones. Then Covid-19 hit. The pandemic made us afraid for Grandma and so we cancelled her caregivers and took 100% responsibility for her care for a few month...that is until we realized we could not sustain the caregiving by ourselves. After that, the caregivers returned, though never were available for all of the hours we needed, so we limped along for another year - with Aunt Sandy and I filling in the gaps. By the Spring of 2021, Aunt Sandy and I were burned out; in fact, we were burnt to a crisp. So, we had to begin the difficult conversation of what to do.
Grandma's mobility decreased, her hearing decreased, her blindness increased, her needs increased and we began to feel unable to take care of all of her needs. Essentially she needed 24 hour care and we just could not keep up. We became a bit resentful, a lot tired, and extremely irritable. It took months and months and months and months of conversation trying to figure out what to do. In the end we decided to put her on respite care at a nursing home in St. Albans, about 30 minutes from here. She is entitled to 5 months of care through Medicaid so we made the arduous and difficult decision to move her there.
It was perhaps, the most difficult decision of my life. For the first two weeks after she left I think I cried every single day. She had to be in quarantine for 10 full days, and she is so deaf that it was impossible to talk to her on the telephone. I missed her so much. Then, they thought she was having a heart attack, took her to the Emergency Room, and extended her quarantine for another six days. It was a LONG HAUL. Sixteen days of isolation and quarantine upon her move to a nursing home. You can only imagine, right?! Finally they moved her to a room with a roommate and she has begun to acclimate to a new environment....albeit a nursing home. Nothing about it has been easy or painless. In fact, I believe I am fully grieving. But I have been so busy caretaking, I haven't allowed myself to feel anything for a long time, and now that there is a bit of space between us, I realize the enormity and importance of the love I feel for my mom. Not only love, but also the responsibility I feel for her happiness. It's a big deal. Your mom is a big deal. Hold on to them folks. Hold on.
