Thoughts about Parenting

Summer does wonderful things to the soul.  This is clear by how I feel and how the family around me shows up each day.  Eyes wide, eager, fully there.  I can't say enough about how amazed I am by what a little sun, the wide horizon of the ocean, and true family vacations can do for you. 

Also, I have been with the boys so much since school let out in June.  That's a lot of time together.  The marvelous thing about this is that I love this.  I had a vision the other day at the dinner table,  of the four of us sitting around having dinner when the boys are teenagers.  And I was struck by such an eager feeling.  This is one good life we have and I believe it will continue to amaze. 

Which leads me to my recent thoughts about parenting.  Quite honestly, there are so many books, thoughts, opinions, and reactions to parenting these days that one could get lost (and I have at times) in the shoulds of how best to raise your children.  And I suppose there are many moments in which I could have been a better parent, and I suppose at some point I might have regret (for a fleeting moment I hope,) but all in all, I feel deeply happy with my children and my family.  In fact, I sort of feel more than that.  At times I feel wildly elated about our life together.   I remember being young and having my eye on the future...the future that held my own family and children.  I remember as I watched others with their kids, and found my own values around childhood and parenting I was eager to have my own.   I remember the deep sense of loss I felt when I came out and feared that this dream would be lost.  And then I found Anna.  I suppose that is why I feel so much joy, so much gratitude.  I have this family, my family - evolving daily into what we all would like it to be.  Filled with joy.  Filled with love.  Filled with excitement and kindness.  Filled with eagerness to experience all that life brings.   Filled with thoughtfulness.   Filled with an eye for beauty.  Filled with connectedness and relationship.  Filled with humor and even a bent for the weird.  Filled with confusion and learning - because there are many times when Anna and I don't know what the hell we are doing and wonder how best to respond to a new development in our boys lives.

I know that one thing I would like to have a little less of (and we are getting there!) is less anxiety.  As a new mom (and perhaps an over confident "wanna be mom") I was shocked at the anxiety I experienced.  Who knew that this love for my boys would raise my fear level to a new height?  I didn't - that is for sure.  But slowly, and with great support, both Anna and I have come together to tackle head on any of our fears...sometimes blindly figuring things out, sometimes intuitively taking a stab, and other times holding each others hands as we try something foreign, yet decidedly good for the kids.

And at this moment in time - I feel like throwing every parenting advice book to the wind.  Because I think my family is thriving.  Because I think what matters most in the world, is that you are present with your children, that you play and allow them as much room to play as possible, that you create a cocoon of family in which all of you can take refuge.  That you live - and I mean really live - so that your children can understand the importance of being awake in this lifetime.  And this we do well.  Yes, we have work to do.  Yes, our boys can grow and mature in ways that would be beneficial to them.  Yes, Anna and I have to do this as well.  But that is our journey.   We have come together, all four of us, with our strengths and vulnerabilities.  And as a family I want us to nurture our strengths, minimize and support our frailties, and of course live and love big.  For this I feel deeply convicted.  I am passionate about this life we have - this life with boys.