The Shadow Side of Life

For nearly ten years I have been blogging about life with my two boys.  I think it is an amazing practice that I wholeheartedly love and treasure.   I find it thrilling to choose from the abundance of what happens on a daily basis in our life, and I have yet to tire of it.  Milestones of babyhood, "firsts" of any kind, record keeping for holidays/vacations/birthdays/important and noteworthy moments, and then pretty much anything else that tickles my fancy or that seems particularly juicy or true as a reflection on the time.    Most of the moments I capture are particularly positive.    


But there is always the shadow side of things.  Always.  The silent or spoken worries I have as a parent.  My sporadic agony about how to parent well.  My off and on angst about some issue that manifests itself with either boy, like stuttering, or sensitivity, or whining, or manners, or bedtime routines.  The list could go on.  And then there are the cyclical and ridiculous struggles that Anna and I engage in about sugar or screen time or being out of doors enough.  There's the fact that we are in the minority as a gay family, which means my sons do not have many peers that also have same sex parents.  Mostly this is a non issue, but at times it comes up and requires our greatest integrity and attention. And sometimes it's hard. 


And then there are the common problems, like never having a clean enough house, or a clean barn or basement and striking a balance between Anna and I - so that we share the tasks evenly and don't over burden the other.   We fight about it at times.  It's hard to have two working parents and children and a house and a family and elder parents in town.  All of it needs negotiation and willingness.  
I don't often choose to write about all of this.  I seem to write most about this good life with my boys.  I am taking a chance that when the boys are all grown they'll prefer to see and read about why life is beautiful, and not about our petty arguments, our private worries, our struggles. It's not avoidance, just preference.  Over the years I have sprinkled the harder times into the blog and I am certain that there will be lots more.  I don't think I'll miss the powerful moments whether they are happy or sad. 


I often think that we create our own reality, so I consciously choose joy when I can.  I consciously choose to flip what stinks.  I consciously choose to find help when problems seem too big for me to solve.  I consciously choose to help create experiences and moments as a family that feel full.  I want a soulful life, a life lived with honesty and integrity.  A life where we get to feel.  And that includes the heartbreak, the worry, the aggravation, the irritation,  alongside the love, gratitude and joy.  In my posts I focus on bliss the most, but if you ever wonder if there is a shadow side in this life with boys,   always.