This Tangle of Grief, Loss, Love and Joy

To say that the past six months have been easy would be a lie. In fact, the past 180 days have been a mash up of such colossal feelings, that I find it difficult to describe.  I know it begins with the loss of my mother.  The aftermath of her leaving has been astonishing and devastating.  I had no idea how much of an impact this would have on me. I don't think I understood the depth of my sadness until grief rolled into my life so thick, it made it hard for me to navigate familiar territory. Everything was foreign, especially safety.  I felt lost in a sea of heartache and there was no escape.  I just had to keep walking. Slowly, cautiously, and gently.  Holding my arms out for edges of anything recognizable.  Grief is not enjoyable, in fact, it's a little scary.  It's cavernous, sneaky, and seemingly bottomless. Add to the loss of my mother, the high school graduation of my eldest son, and his launch into his adult life. Full on, ready to leap, a fledgling heading out of the nest. I have been filled with sentimentality, memory, and once again, loss. How is it that life, at times, throws everything at you at once? But all of this sorrow has led me to one thing.  Awareness.  And BIG LOVE. My mother.  My son. I understand just how lucky I am. Powerfully lucky to love each of them so deeply and unconditionally. I have been wallowing in this love for months now. Feeling the edges of this love, the sweetness of this love, even the sadness of this love 

I was on the beach today, choosing smooth tumbled ocean rocks to hold. As I arranged and rearranged them, I was holding a keen awareness of my mother, my son.  The love I feel for each of them as vast as the ocean before me.  I felt it all, completely.  And then I looked up.  There, in the big sky above me was a rainbow, emerging directly out of a rain cloud...rainbow on the left, rainstorm on the right. Both, and.  

My mother? Perhaps it was.  Reminding me that it is in the letting go that we find complete and utter beauty and joy.  Anders, may your new path greet you with red, yellow, orange, green, blue, indigo and violet.  And along with it, all the feels.