Aging Parents

I sort of need to write about this.

My parents have been here for a week now, and Anna's mom just left.

We've been sandwiched between 4-6 year olds, and 69-87 year olds.

It's complicated.

My parent descent into frailty seems to have spiked and the descent seems way too rapid for me or for them. It's been very, very hard to watch as they lose more and more of their independence. Sight, hearing, touch, mobility...all rapidly declining. It makes me want to weep. And it's difficult to figure out how to help them from so far away. I spent an afternoon alone with my mom and I realized it was easier to be with my four year old than to be with her. She needed so much assistance, and simply can not hear, so a conversation with her is a lesson in patience and frustration. I have been feeling a lot through this and wondering so much about the aging process and how to do so with dignity. My parents have always been fiercely independent and capable.

At 87 that is no longer possible. The loss for my parents of this independence is simply heartbreaking. I can see how much they want their freedom...to move, to hear, to see, but must rely on others. My sister and I are figuring out the next step for them....sell their home, move where? Here to VT? To assisted living in Buffalo? To an apartment there? We are in the midst of some important and difficult decisions. And I am so deeply in love with my parents that I just want them to be here with me - and only take care of them, yet I know that is an impossible decision. I will have so much more to write in here about this because I think that this year will be a very important one.

Family Gratitude List for 2011

A- Anna , Anders , art, animals, apples

B- Beth, Bingo, birds, books, the barn, the blog

C- Cathy, our Chickens, our adopted cat, computers, cheetahs, creativity, christmas trees

D- Dragons, dragon parades, dinosaurs, Denise & Dominic

E- Eli, Eggy, having enough

F- Fun, firetrucks, family, friends, fishtank, fools, forgiveness

G- Grandma & Grandpa, gymnastics, the color gold, growth

H- Hazel, our home, horses, Hannah, health, hiking

I- Ice cream, imagination, Kuba's imaginary friends

J- Judy, Jakob, Jacob, Jamie

K- Kuba, kangaroos

L- LOVE, Lea, learning, lions

M- MorMor & MorFar, milk, mistakes, music

N- Nice people, nests, neighbors, our New car

O- Owls, the color orange

P- Peace, people, playing store, parades

Q- Quiet, queens

R- Remote helicopters, remotes in general, reading

S- Shelburne Farms, Shelburne Museum, Sandy, swimming, our scooters, Sweden, the color silver, snakes, no more stuttering

T- Tops, TV, tigers, turkeys

U- Uncles (Claes, Paul, Tim, Peter, Mark) Umbagog Lake

V- Vacations, vegetables

W- Walking to school, wind, the woods

X- X-country skiing

Y- Yogurt, the color yellow, YMCA

Z- Zebras

Two Thousand Years and Twelve

From yonder o'er

irrepressibly creative

here comes the dragon

It's the Chinese year of the dragon, and my boys love dragons. They've loved dragons and dragon lore for a few years now, so I feel a strong connection with this year of the dragon.

In fact, I've been waiting for it.

Here is what I have found out about dragons and dragon years:

Dragons are the free spirits of the Zodiac.
Conformation is a Dragon's curse.

Rules and regulations are made for other people. Restrictions blow out the creative spark that is ready to flame into life. Dragons must be free and uninhibited.

The Dragon is a beautiful creature, colorful and flamboyant. An extroverted bundle of energy, gifted and utterly irrepressible. Everything Dragons do is on a grand scale - big ideas, ornate gestures, extreme ambitions. However, this behavior is natural and isn't meant for show. Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful. Dragons usually make it to the top.

Adjectives that describe the dragon: innovative, enterprising, flexible, self-assured, brave, passionate, tactless, scrutinizing, unanticipated, quick-tempered.

May this year for all of us be full of creative, irrepressible dragon energy.

May my beautiful children be gifted with this confident creatures fearlessness. I wish for them a brave and uninhibited year, full of joy, creativity, laughter and of course, fire!

Happy 2012 Anders and Kuba!

Christmas 2011

Christmas.
It is such a magical holiday full of everything.

Mor Mor has been here this year and we had a lovely, smaller, gathering for Christmas eve and again today for Christmas. We had friends over both days and that felt perfect. We took a hike early Christmas eve with other families and this lead to an unfolding of many good things.
Games, play, gifts, cooking, seriously delicious meals, the colors red and green, anticipation, perhaps some disappointment...(Kuba did not get a bird, Anders did not get a remote helicopter) but this seemed minor as the holiday whizzed by.

I think that I've been more introspective, more thoughtful this holiday. Thinking about what makes a holiday feel full, happy, enough. We have so much. Gratitude. How to raise children to feel gratitude for everything that gifts or blesses them. It's a big deal to me and I am thinking a lot about this right now. I want my children to feel deep gratitude and when they have so much it's important to also figure out how to balance all this that they have with appreciation.

I myself will try to spend the week being thoughtful about the things in my life that I feel enormous gratitude for. I will also reflect on what seems to throw me off center and how to build more into my life that fufills me and keeps me solidly resilient.

Highlights from the holiday:

Amazing meals both days; making pierogi with Anna and making mushroom soup with uski; roasted lamb on Christmas, followed by a flourless chocolate cake.
Simply delicious and fufilling meals.

Kuba and Anders so excited, anticipatory, happy to unwrap, play, enjoy the moment.

Beautiful dishes, tablecloths from Sweden, holiday decor that feels so good to look at and have around.

Playing charades, scooting and racing the boys on the basketball court Christmas day.

Reading with the boys.

Watching Kuba and Anders reading Kuba's ABC's together.

Getting a chicken whirligig that Anna made with the boys. (I've been wanting a whiligig!)

Adopting a stray cat that Kuba is simply in love with.
Watching him cozy up to the cat and gently rub his cheeks on the cats soft fur.
Watching him laugh with delight as the cat jumps and plays with a catnip mouse on a string.

Knowing that this...this is my family.
How lucky we are.
Merry Christmas to my dearest, most amazing family.

Decorating for the Holidays

We've brought up the decorations from the basement and spread them throughout the house....ornaments, lights, bird nests, christmas books, tops and a wind-up collection, nutcrackers, etc. All fun, all carefully unpacked and brought back out. This year Anders and Kuba really played with the toys, remembering them from last year, and they also helped with the decoration of the christmas tree. Wind-ups have been scattered across our floor, christmas books have been read and re-read, and the boys are working on their top spinning techniques. We've also begun the great task of baking....pepparkakor, cut outs, macaroons, gingerbread house, saffron bullar, etc. It's been busy around here. We're moving at about 1000 miles per hour and our house reflects the speed. It's messy these days. I can't imagine what it's going to take to slow down, get our house back to order and simply be in this holiday season. Lots more to do in the next 5 days!

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

OH, my boys!