The Zen of Motherhood

Okay, it's tough having 2 kids. That much is pretty clear.
And so, you can either sink or not sink. That much is also pretty clear.
And when you have incredible kids like Anders and Jakob the choice to not sink is also pretty clear.

One thing that is so true about motherhood, is there really is no longer the luxury of having a personal breakdown. If you do, or really, before you even get there, your children will start throwing up red flags, yellow flags, and even flourescent flags as a way to bring you right back to the present. That much is very, very clear.

I was really feeling sorry for myself recently, wallowing a bit in self pity. Indulging perhaps?
But very promptly the flags started flying. The first was a yellow one that sounded like a whine....followed by red ones that sounded more like 3 year old incomprehensible baby talk, and then the flourescent ones that took the shape of hitting and emotional breakdowns.

What more could a mother possibly ask for in this very spiritual life called parenting?

Be here. Be here now.

It has been a rather brilliant day.
I am so back. So alert. So thoughtful.
Anders has been reeling from all of the very big, very emotional changes in his life.
Talk about change. Honestly, what could be bigger?
Jakob has been growing so fast, changing so quickly, that it is rather remarkable. He no longer sleeps 20 hours a day like he did as a newborn. Nope. He smiles, articulates, and takes up space and time. Plus, he gets carried, cuddled, breast fed, and coo'd too. Regularly.

Place that next to an almost 3 year old who is not quite so sure he is ready to be a big boy, or a baby.
What would you choose?
Big boy or baby?
Being held, coo'd to, carried, and catered to, or being independent and putting on your own jacket, or boots, or carrying your dinner plate to the sink.
Hmmm. You can see why there is hesitation.

And thus the call to action. This is what I love about being a mom. The attention, or at least the invitation to pay good attention. It has been an enlightening day.

There are times when it is so hard to give so much, so difficult to be on 24/7, when what I really think I want is quiet, and space, and time alone to do nothing. But I can't really get that, so I stomp around internally and start feeling all overwhelmed and resentful. I hang on to the notion that I can still have my old life. But I never can or will.

Somehow, my children with their brilliant flag throwing, have reminded me that I want to swim.
For me, for them, for this life.

Just surrendering has brought gifts to this day.
Observing Anders, and deeply trying to decipher his cryptic communication has been the days work.
Both Anna and I have been attentive, and sharp, and thoughtful with him.
We have been compassionate towards him while providing this framework of limits that he does need.
And we have been there with him, 100%.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. But at least I know I will be there.